Frodo Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
by Gandalf's Beard
Summary: Frodo H.J. Baggins-Potter didn't live in a hole in the ground. He lived at #4 Privet Drive, a cozy little cottage in the village of Little Whinging in Surrey. He wasn't rich, he wasn't poor, but he lived comfortably with his kindly Uncle, Bilbo Baggins - who spent most of his days reading books and maps and smoking some of the finest pipeweeds from California and Amsterdam.


_Right then. I have a couple of other stories to finish, and their sequels to work on, but damn it... ideas keep piling up and this one demanded some attention. Hence, my updates on this fic might be a bit sporadic, but once I publish something, I'm committed to see it through. You'll just have to bear with me, and with a bit of luck I'll have this first book done by Christmas. _

_I almost wasn't sure if this was a real story or a crack-fic, so I have decided it's really a parody. It's totally freaking AU. Frodo/Harry is a bit of a mix, but he definitely leans towards Frodo. Many Potterverse Canon characters will remain the same, but the Tolkienverse substitutions for some of them will have a mix of characteristics. _

_In this fic, students start Hogwarts at 13. And I've rated it M because teenagers like to have fun. If they have too much fun, I may have to post some chapters at another site. I'll let you know when we get there._

**Chapter 1**

Frodo H.J. Baggins-Potter didn't live in a hole in the ground. He lived at #4 Privet Drive, a cozy little cottage in the village of Little Whinging in Surrey. He wasn't rich, he wasn't poor, but he lived comfortably with his kindly Uncle, Bilbo Baggins - who spent most of his days reading books and maps and smoking some of the finest pipeweeds from California and Amsterdam. Frodo's parents had been killed in a car crash - or so he had believed until a letter was dropped on his head by an owl on his 13th birthday.

Uncle Bilbo's face turned grey when he saw Frodo tear open the letter. He had meant to tell Frodo the whole sad story one day, but thought that he was perhaps to young to know the truth. And now it was too late. He had never told Frodo that his mother, Lily - Bilbo's younger sister - and that his father, James Potter, were wizards.

"I'm so sorry my boy. Frodo, I lost track of time, thought you were too young to know the truth about your parents and your scar - it's a frightening tale for tender souls. But yes, your Mum was a smashing witch and your Father was a dashing wizard. Where they traveled, all roads opened before them..."

"You do go on and on Uncle," giggled Frodo. "Hurry up and get to the scary bit."

Bilbo's eyes boggled. He hadn't imagined that sort of reaction from his young nephew. He was a brave boy indeed.

"Well then, dear Frodo, the awful truth is that the villainous Sauron killed your parents and tried to kill you too. By all rights you should be dead, but something about you stumped him that day, and nobody knows why."

"In any case, you're alive, you're a wizard, and you're going to Hogwarts Frodo - the finest academy of witchcraft and wizardry in Britain. The Headmaster is the wisest and most powerful of all wizards. Gandalf has seen Hogwarts through thick and thin - He dueled 12 dragons simultaneously and defeated them all at once you know!? Brilliant fellow... and the most wonderful fireworks."

So Uncle Bilbo took Frodo to Diagon Alley in London to buy his wand and his school supplies. And a month later Frodo H.J. Baggins-Potter was preparing to step onto platform 9 and 3/4's. He was there two hours early, because the Bagginses were nothing if not punctual.

Frodo said his goodbyes to Uncle Bilbo and moments later he found himself an empty compartment on the empty train and hoped that he'd make some new friends when the rest of the students arrived. A pretty girl with bushy golden-brown hair and a cute overbite burst into Frodo's compartment.

"Oh... Hello! My name is Hermione Granger. I'm always early too. Do you mind if I sit next to you?" The girl asked eagerly. Frodo opened his mouth to respond in the affirmative, and she sat down anyway.

Hermione Granger peered into Frodo's green eyes, then her own eyes glanced to the lightning shaped scar on Frodo's forehead.

"Oh..." She said with astonishment, "You're Frodo Baggins-Potter. You're very famous. I know all about you, of course - I got a few extra books for background reading, and you're in Modern Magical History and The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts and Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century. I'm so sorry about your parents. That's a very sad thing to be famous for." Hermione finished in a rush of words.

"It's alright," said Frodo with a grin, "I have a really nice Uncle who looks after me."

"Is he a hobbit or a wizard?" Hermione asked.

"What's a hobbit?" Frodo inquired with a puzzled expression.

"Non-magic people according to the Oxford Dictionary of Wizard Slang. Like my parents. I didn't know I was a wizard until I got my letter."

"Me neither!" Frodo exclaimed in amazement, excited to have something in common with a pretty girl. "My uncle raised me as a... a hobbit. He thought I would be too scared to know how my parents died and that someone tried to kill me. But as soon as I got my school books at Diagon Alley I was so excited to learn how to be a wizard that I read them all front to back three times."

Hermione's eyes nearly popped out of her head and her mouth gaped. She'd never met anyone else who read all of their school-books before term began. She wanted to kiss Frodo, but she turned her face away and blushed instead.

Students and their families began arriving on the platform and filling up the train. Shortly a boy named Neville poked his head in the door.

"Have you seen a toad? I've lost mine." Neville asked.

"We'll help you look, right Frodo!?" Said Hermione a bit bossily.

Frodo nodded cheerfully, eager for the chance to help someone find something which was lost.

"Of course. I'd be happy to help."

So Frodo and Hermione looked up and down the corridors of the train, asking in all of the compartments and carriages.

They stuck their heads in the door of a compartment in which housed a dirty looking ginger boy showing off his half-dead rat to another very bored looking boy and waving his wand.

"Excuse us. Have either of you seen a toad?" Frodo asked politely. "Neville's lost one.

"We already told him we haven't seen it." The red haired boy said rudely.

"Are you doing magic?" Asked Hermione eagerly, seeing the wand. "Go on, let's see then."

Frodo and Hermione sat down, startling the freckled boy.

"Oh... er, right then." He said, waving his wand, "Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, Turn this stupid, fat rat yellow."

Nothing!

"Are you sure that's a spell?" Hermione asked.

"It's not very good." Said Frodo, still smarting a bit from the boy's rudeness, and he got up again. "Come on Hermione, lets go find Neville's toad. By the way...erm..."

"It's Ron, Ron Weasley..."

"I'm Frodo, Frodo Baggins-Potter. And by the way, you've got dirt on your nose, did you know that?" Frodo took Hermione's hand and led her away from the gobsmacked Ron Weasley.

Further down the corridor, Frodo and Hermione happened across a smarmy looking blond boy and his gorilla-shaped mates.

"It's you." drawled the boy. "I heard Frodo Baggins-Potter was on the train. My name is Draco Malfoy," he said holding out his hand. "This is Crabbe and Goyle. I can help you make the right sort of friends." Malfoy finished a bit snidely.

Frodo didn't really care for Malfoy, but he didn't like to be rude, so he shook Draco's hand. Hermione peered at Malfoy suspiciously.

"Well, I'm alright finding my own friends, but thank you. I hope you'll be one of them." Frodo said with a polite smile. "I'm sure I'll see you again. By the way, Draco is a pretty cool name." Frodo took Hermione's hand again and led her away from a gobsmacked Draco Malfoy.

Finally, just after nightfall, the Hogwarts Express pulled into the station and all of the students piled out onto the platform. An enormous beast of a man about 11 feet tall whose face was nearly obscured by wild hair and a beard towered over them.

"Righ' then, First Years this way," The giant bellowed in a gruff, but not unkind voice.

The giant led all of the young students to a number of tiny little two person boats. Frodo got in one with Hermione, and it began to slip across the smooth surface of the lake. The castle drew nearer as their boat glided through a sea of stars which were reflections of the stars above. Frodo clasped Hermione's hand in his and smiled at her. She blushed and glanced back at the stars.

Once they had disembarked in the harbour under the castle, they were led up some steps to a massive stone door. The giant hairy man, Hagrid knocked on the door and a stern looking witch beckoned.

"Firs' Years, this here is Professor McGonagall, she'll take you lot the rest o' the way." Hagrid said, by way of introduction.

They were all led into a large elaborately designed hall with 4 giant tables surrounded by students in the middle, and a long table with the professors at one end. The ceiling seemed to disappear and the stars in the night sky shone through.

One by one, the new students were directed to sit under a grumpy tattered old hat, and each in turn was sent to one of the four Great Houses which Frodo and Hermione had learned about in _Hogwarts, a History_. Gryffindor table erupted into cheers when Frodo Baggins-Potter and Hermione Granger were sorted into their House.

Gandalf the Headmaster made a speech, for a moment catching Frodo's green eyes with his own sparkling blue ones, and then the feast began. Frodo dug into the delicious roast beef and yorkshire pudding, piling mashed potatoes, peas, and carrots onto his plate and smothering it with gravy. Hermione followed suit, avoiding the creepy gaze of the grubby ginger from the train and she scooted a bit closer to Frodo.


End file.
